I have to take a deep breath, dragging oxygen to the very pit of my body. As a wreck of nerves and with my body bruised I heave myself up the stairs and take my seat at the front of the bus. Sitting alone in front of the windscreen I can see so much pass by. The depth of field stretches far, holding secrets in the distance and telling stories of other lives. I want to expand so much that the integrity of my being collapses and I am part of the air.
Another long, deep breath.
I slump my head against the glass and watch kids run into the road, buses storm past men who a few seconds previously had attempted to step foot out in front of them. I think...ants. I think of futility. My eyes don't come to focus on any one thing but more observe everything in range. I am totally aware of time passing, every second and thought. I ebb back into myself as I exhale, as though there's no life in me without the air. The city is far and grey and stretches out into the sky and space and forever and I'm inside of a machine that wants to keep me on the dirty Earth.
The sun falls out from behind a cloud...I close my eyes to pretend I'm not there and people can't see me. I am white light and I am warm. I think of space and the future, I feel a sort of happy sad. The comfort and fear of the universe all at once.
One day there will be nothing at all, so sleep easy.